From ‘Hopeless to My Highest Self: What Two Years of Sober Magic + Miracles Means to Me

16 min read

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Originally shared in a live talk on The Sober Joy Show series, November 18th, 2021.

From ‘Hopeless to My Highest Self: What Two Years of Sober Magic + Miracles Means to Me 

In recovery rooms, we talk about sharing our experience, strength, and hope with one another— and that is my intention here. To share my story authentically + vulnerably, to inspire Hope and a belief that anyone can walk through their dark night of the soul and come out the other side— stronger, better, and full of light! 

I’m Sara, and I’m a grateful recovering addict. My relationship with the word “addict” shifts and evolves. I believe words are powerful in defining our reality and that the stories we tell ourselves about who we are are powerful. So when I say, “I am an addict,” that is the truth of who I am. With where I am in my journey now, being an addict is not who I believe I am, but rather a state or experience I have lived in– and can live again if I don’t take very intentional care of myself. It’s vital to recognize and honor that I lived in an addictive relationship with substances, addictive behavior patterns, and thinking that was more powerful than me for many years and it made my life unmanageable— and I could not stop alone. I honor that it is a part of who I am, and when I am unhealthy and unbalanced— I have the capacity for addiction. 

Honoring that allows me to remain fully committed to recovery and intentionally nurturing my healthiest self each day. I am proud and grateful to be a recovering addict.

It’s daily work to pour love and compassion into myself. I hope to do the same for each of you. I’m here to shower you with love and light so you can do the same for yourself.

✨LOSING MYSELF

So I’m going to start with when it was really bad. Which was basically as soon as I started smoking weed when I was about 19. I was already anxious, depressed, and in an abusive relationship. None of which I was aware of. I was pretty despondent spiritually. Very cynical. And thought that made me cool.

Which couldn’t have been further from the truth of who I was! I was a naturally joyful and exuberant kid. I FELT EVERYTHING AND CARED ABOUT EVERYTHING IN A VERY BIG WAY! Shocker, I was a theatre kid, and being an actor was my dream always. I was always performing. I was a competitive athlete through high school. I was naturally VERY in tune with my feelings and body and always believed in a higher power in a very— the universe is magical kind of way. I wasn’t raised in a particular faith, but I was always spiritual, and my imagination was really sprawling— I believed anything was possible and that I could do and be anything I wanted. 

So given my childhood, and the fact that I was super strait laced through high school, I didn’t party, drink, or do any drugs, and was super involved in athletics and performing— I didn’t present as someone destined to become an addict. And in fact, I worked REALLY hard to maintain this image throughout my active addiction— so truly no one knew the depth of my addiction or that I even had a problem. Almost everyone in my life was surprised when I shared I was in recovery. Even more surprised when I told them I was a marijuana addict.

We all have our childhood wounds— and as a child, I received the message that I was TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH ALL THE TIME.

I FELT TOO MUCH

I WAS TOO EXPRESSIVE

I IMAGINED TOO MUCH

I WAS TOO LOUD 

I WAS TOO DRAMATIC

I TALKED AND SHARED MY THOUGHTS TOO MUCH

That, in general, I should tone it down and BE LESS.

So as I grew up, I started to be less. I took up less space and tried to conform to what everyone else was doing. Being accepted and loved became my top priority.

The more I shrank myself, the more painful it became. So when I discovered a magical herb that made everything less painful and I could escape to a privately defined world where I could FEEL MORE, BE MORE, and everything was heightened again— IT WAS LIKE COMING HOME! 

Of course, that feeling didn't remain as I continued smoking, and it grew into a daily habit to just "feel normal,"— but I continued to chase that initial bliss and my longing to escape grew more and more powerful.

✨STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM

I don’t remember a time when I casually smoked. I was instantly obsessed with wanting that high feeling and wanting to smoke ALL the time. I didn’t realize it was an addiction, but it was.

At this time, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship where I did not feel safe and didn't know how to get out of it. I had undiagnosed anxiety and depression and no emotional awareness or coping skills— and I was failing out of a college theatre program that I was convinced was the ticket to my dreams. All my dreams were crumbling around me— and I just needed a way out. 

When I think about that time, I’m actually grateful to weed because it saved me. It gave me a safe space. It allowed me to turn down the pain and survive a little longer. Unfortunately, I never gained alternative coping skills, so this dependence grew more desperate. I truly despised myself for being so dependent. 

Dependent on substances and other people. 

Hopelessness was a way of life. 

And I saw no way out of it. 

And worst of all, I didn’t think I was worthy of anything else.

✨MY BOTTOM

Several years later, I was living in LA, trying to make a go of actor life, which succeeded in trampling my self-worth even more.

I was getting high all day, every day.

And I was now also casually doing blow, dancing with a cocaine addiction, and mixing in other recreational drugs in regular rotation. Obviously, drinking all the time too, because why not?? Drinking was never my favorite, but I was still pretty professional at it and could hang with the best of them. And the stakes of being liked and socially accepted were life and death, and cocktails were socially EXPECTED. Therefore, “I’ll have what they’re having!”

At this point, I had just turned 30, and I got diagnosed with a thyroid disease— which is essentially stress-induced and is your body's reaction to constantly being attacked and unable to find balance. Yes, that lesson was totally lost on me at the time.

My body constantly felt like it was having an anxiety attack. I had regular nose bleeds from the regular blow bumps, and my hyperactive thyroid caused shakiness, drastic weight fluctuations, frequent heart palpitations, and sweating. My body was in crisis. And I just actively kept choosing to destroy it. More drugs, more numbing.

I felt betrayed by my body.

I hated myself and who I had become.

I wanted to be addicted.

I wanted to be powerless— I wanted something else to be in control.

I wanted to relinquish all responsibility. 

I lost trust in myself.

I lost the ability to care about living. 

It all felt infinitely hopeless to me. 

It’s not easy to look back on this time.

Based on my choices, I should be dead or in jail. 

I made it my daily practice to punish my body and destroy my health.

I didn’t care or consider the consequences of my actions like driving high.

I was selfish and isolated by my own self pity and toxicity.

I always took the shortcut and opted for instant gratification. 

I had no integrity.

No guiding principles.

No spiritual anchor.

No hope. 

✨LONG ROAD HOME

I didn’t really have an “ah-ha” moment— but instead a series of moments that collectively pulled me up out of my bottom one step at a time. 

Truly the work of a higher power when I look back— a force greater than me! I think of it as Pure Love. My Higher Self, calling me forward into my own Greatness.

It began when I stumbled into a day job working with kids, being an aide in a school classroom. I had done quite a bit of teaching and worked a lot in theatre education– my mom and grandparents were also teachers— so this was a space I felt really at home in. Even though I was in no shape to care for anyone, not even myself— I was actually a really good teacher. 

A higher power was working through me at his time. Because these kids SAW ME. 

They saw who I truly was and made me want to be better, even though I didn't know how.

Being with kids woke up that joyful kid inside of me too. Witnessing their delight and purity of experience and expression made me remember— I used to be like this. Feeling JOY is great! Playing is fun! Being curious is exciting! There's so much to connect with when you're present! I want to feel present in life again! I WANT TO FEEL ALL OF IT AGAIN!

This woke up my Light and my Dreams enough to get me to apply to grad school— which pulled me out of my downward spiral in LA— and into something bigger than me. In grad school, I had to show up and be my best and be sober for most of it. Other people relied on me, and I was teaching undergraduate students and was a mentor, and had a scholarship and responsibilities AND I LOVED IT. I didn’t get sober quite yet, but my use lessened drastically and my light substantially increased. My purpose lit up. I actually believed I could live life differently which was HUGE. It was the beginning of my new life.

And I found a really good reason to live a better life. I met and fell in love with my husband in grad school, and we got married on 9/14, 2019. He saw the best in me, even at my worst. He was the only partner I was ever totally honest with— and totally honest about my relationship with weed. He wasn’t my stoner buddy. That was new. He drank occasionally but had healthy boundaries with it. He had rules for himself, along with discipline and integrity, and a strong moral compass. I admired those qualities and wanted to be like that. 

I lied to him about my use a handful of times— I got high and tried to hide it. But I always ended up telling him, and he never judged me. Those handfuls of lies scared the shit out of me because I knew I never ever wanted to hurt him or fuck up the integrity of our partnership.

I finally saw that my addiction had the potential to destroy the most important part of my life. 

He saw my Light and that Love was what I needed to change, and I started pouring that love into myself. I got sober 2 months after our wedding because I finally had a future that was bigger than me and could sustain me beyond my habit of instant gratification. I knew I wanted to be a Mom one day, and in our wedding vows I promised to pursue my best self every day— and I knew getting high wasn't that. I also knew that I would need to be sober to be pregnant. And that I needed to start now. I was so afraid that if I waited any longer, I would never be able to stop.

✨I got sober on Nov 18th, 2019!✨

The fear of what I might lose if I didn’t stop, got me into a recovery room. An amazing 12-step program for marijuana addicts— which was not something I knew existed or even believed was real. I think it's important to note that in the culture where I grew up in California— weed was a harmless herb. It was not addictive and not a problem. That misconception kept me locked in shame for a long time because I told myself— how can you have a problem with something you can't even have a problem with??? It made me feel like I was the only one and had to figure out how to be stronger and fix it on my own. I convinced myself it was a “me problem” when in reality it was a weed problem. That’s what I came to understand in M.A. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to step into a room with other people who also struggled with weed addiction and had done all the same insane things I had! 

I didn't know I needed or wanted recovery; I just knew I needed to change my life. 

During my first mtg, reading step one, ALL MY LIGHTS GOT TURNED ON, AND I COULD FINALLY SEE MYSELF CLEARLY.

THIS IS THE LIFE YOU'VE BEEN LIVING

YOU ARE SPIRITUALLY BANKRUPT

YOU ARE CHOOSING TO LIVE IN A PRIVATELY DEFINED WORLD 

YOU ARE AN ADDICT.

In that light, I felt SEEN FINALLY SEEN.

I'm fortunate that by the time I came to AA, I was READY to do the work and change. And that first mtg made it clear I was in the right place. I felt an instant understanding and kinship with the people in these rooms. Welcome home is what they said, and that's how I felt.

✨RECOVERING MY LIGHT

Getting sober felt impossible. I never wanted to be sober before, but now I had a reason to and wanted to be sober.

I knew it was the only way forward.

It began with me asking for help and telling my husband I couldn’t do this alone. 

I had ALWAYS been alone in my addiction. 

And I know a higher power guided me to say those words aloud, "I NEED HELP. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE."

SINCE THAT MOMENT, I’VE NEVER BEEN ALONE AGAIN. 

My mission in recovery is to recover my most radiant self. 

That’s how I guide all my actions. 

The steps in my recovery program allowed me to create a foundation to do that. 

My daily joy Practices and recovery rituals allow me to do that. 

And over two years, I have built a strong recovery Practice that empowers me to share with you and support others on this journey. 

When I think about what 2 years of recovery means to me— my 2 years of magic + miracles— here are the five gifts that come through for me:  

1. ✨HOPE

I have journeyed from hopeless to hope-filled. The literature in my recovery program is called “Life with Hope” which is so perfect. I didn’t even know that I was living without it. 

Step 0 is hope— I had to borrow other people’s before I developed my own. Now every day when I wake up I am brimming with possibility and hope for the future. If I have come through all that I did in my life— I have unwavering faith that it only gets better from here. 

2. ✨JOY

My life centers around Joy. It is my top priority. Always. This isn't because I don’t face challenges and life isn’t incredibly hard sometimes. It’s because I know joy is a choice, and I am devoted to choosing it wherever I can! 

I abandoned my joy for so long and it destroyed me.

I looked outside myself for joy + worth AND NOW I get to create it by looking within and cultivating joy in the present moment. 

Every choice I make now centers around— Reclaiming my joy, and it feels like coming home to myself. It’s my favorite. 

3. ✨CONNECTION

Cultivating a deep spiritual connection with my highest self has been central to my recovery. I was truly spiritually bankrupt when I came to recovery— completely devoid of a deeper connection with myself. I can understand now that THAT was the source of my pain. 

Now my life and recovery are spiritually led— meaning that I no longer feel alone. I trust that there is a higher purpose to my life and a divine keeper guiding me. 

Every day that I am alive is a true miracle. 

Sharing my story always reminds me that it is a true miracle that I’m alive. 

These past 2 years have allowed me to move from a life of self-abandonment to a life filled with deep inner knowing and connection. 

Knowing myself allows me to know others, to be seen authentically, and not hide anymore. This has deepened every relationship in my life and has completely shifted how I show up for myself and others. 

4. ✨PURPOSE

When you know yourself, you can honestly know your purpose— when you find your joy, you can follow it.

Before recovery, I had a sense of direction, but no higher purpose. It was a direction I was told to go, but it never fully aligned with Me. Driven by the need to fill a void inside of me and live up to an external metric + standard of success + worthiness, a void grew bigger. I became more disconnected from myself and my true purpose.

"To realize one's destiny is a person's only real obligation. And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it!" -Paulo Coelho

5. ✨GRATITUDE + COMPASSION

Waking up every day and being grateful to be alive, sober, and have another day to be better. That is the gift. 

Gratitude for each moment becomes a Practice, a way of life.

I find joy and gratitude in the simplest things— a hot cup of tea, a quiet walk, 8hrs of sleep, and listening to music. I'm no longer escaping the moment of life; I'm reveling in them! 

I have deep compassion for others because of recovery rooms. Addiction is an equal opportunist— it can truly afflict anyone. Compassion and empathy are the bridge to true healing, and I'm so grateful for all the ways recovery has brought this into my life. 

The gift of sitting across from people from all walks of life gave me a mirror into humanity and showed me we are all connected, even if it seemed we had nothing in common on the surface.

✨HOPE 

✨JOY 

✨CONNECTION 

✨PURPOSE 

✨GRATITUDE + COMPASSION

This is what 2 years of recovery have gifted me. 

If recovery has taught me anything it's that you can't skip the struggle. You have to move through the complex parts. You can't escape, numb, or run away anymore, whether that's a scary amends with someone you love, a big wave of negative emotion, a craving, or a shitty day. We stay in. We show up for it. We get curious about it. In the face of this darkness, we ask how I can be the light?

More than anything I want to leave you with this: You are NOT the sum of your worst efforts, actions, thoughts, or parts. It's not all or nothing. In fact, there are no bad parts. Sometimes it's overwhelming to consider the worst of our thoughts and behaviors. But despite the past, we can still CHOOSE to act in alignment with our highest selves RIGHT NOW. We're human! We can always CHOOSE AGAIN to act with integrity and align with our highest selves one moment, one day at a time.

Just keep EFFORTING. 

You can be the light. 

The truth is, you always were. 

Thank you so much for allowing me to share my story. I love you and I believe in your greatness!